For me, the most important thing was learning as much as I could as a child. When I was in 7th grade, I began to understand that after college comes either “the real world” or more school. I remember walking down the hallway wondering whether school could be continued forever.
How long would it take to learn everything there was to know in a given subject?
I began to understand “real life” earlier than I thought I would when I huddled next to a space heater in my kitchen while completing my homework. I realized that I had spent enough suffering without complaint. I kept hoping things would improve. As I grew older and my understanding of the world increased, the realization that we were in a bad situation and things were getting worse over time finally set in. In eighth grade, we were delivering news papers early in the morning and this was hurting my performance in school. I was burning the candle as both ends. Trying to be a child and trying to be a worker to ensure the roof stayed over our heads. It was too much. I was gonna speak up to the adults. Tell them what I thought we should do, which was scary. But I saw how much my parents were struggling.
I remember speaking with my mom about giving my dad an ultimatum – the animals or us.
He chose the animals.
We left.
How could he choose the animals over his family?
I began to lose faith in knowledge as the key that would give my life freedom and purpose. The more I studied, the better I performed, and the harder the classes became. The better I did, the more people expected of me. It felt like a vicious cycle, like a treadmill speeding up.
I began to turn more towards religion to provide the answers. I began looking for ways to improve my character. Then I would be worthy. But that only got me so far. I struggled to understand spirituality that did not align with Catholic beliefs and values. Secular spirituality did not make sense at the time. It seemed like hooey.
Then I was introduced to The Secret. A movie and an audiobook that were based on a book. I was skeptical – how could this be real?
I tried to make sense of it, envisioning the genie and wondering what to ask of him. Your wish is my command, he would say.
But what did I want? I made my vision board and wrote out my affirmations. They were a starting place. I took them out on the weekends and moved my life in that direction.
I was driven by this idea that a well-respected job that paid well was the key to happiness and success. Was that the important thing?
But then I went to college and it turned my world upside down. I forgot all about The Secret, except the part about keeping a focus on the positives in life, and threw myself into my studies.
I never understood back then that it had to be a daily practice! Although I made a lot of progress, I was no longer having fun.
In trying to be a mature, responsible adult, I began losing sight of how of be fully present, allowing myself to be happy with my current situation, and showing myself patience and compassion during this period of great struggles.
What was the important thing now?
I realized my family did not have the answers because the game had changed since they were young adults. I was changed by college and had very little in common with them anymore. It made me frustrated with myself that I couldn’t tell them how to help me anymore.
I was confused at the time about which path to choose: healthcare or biotech?
I tried applying to jobs in both sectors while hoping something would be a good fit. I was so lost. So confused and did not know who had the answers for how to figure out the correct path. Only I could ultimately decide my destiny, but surely mentors could tell me about my options?
When deciding who and what I would become, what was the important thing?
Can I keep my Resolutions? 